After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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