I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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