My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
