totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
