literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
