oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
