Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
