If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
