This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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