haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
