you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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