He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
