I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come share oat with me in your robe
Randomize
