After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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