I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
