one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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