You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
