Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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