You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
