Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
