hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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