i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We have so much sex to catch up on
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
