When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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