Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
