I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
