it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
