Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
