I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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