I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
