look no pants
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
