So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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