Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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