Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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