Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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