If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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