Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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