every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
