I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
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I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
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