Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
