Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
