I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
