I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
