I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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