I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
