How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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