how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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