Already got asked if we're dating
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You are the jesus of drinking
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
