Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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