Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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