i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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