Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
