I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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