She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
