I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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