respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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