My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
