I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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