he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
