plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
