Joe is yelling at the trees again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
