"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
