The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
