I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
