No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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